A lot has happened the last few months. I was into this girl, but she only wanted me for sex (last post).
I ended it with her and I soon met another girl (let’s call her L.). I fell in love with her, head over heals… But I found out she wasn’t over her ex girlfriend. We kept dating, but it didn’t work out. I still have feeling for her. We both know it wasn’t meant to be. Even though we haven’t felt this way about anyone else before, it just did not work out the way we wanted it to be. She’s still in my heart, I cant forget her.
I tried to forget her by dating someone else. I’m dating a new girl now, it’s nice, but I’m definitely not in love with her. And I can’t picture us together. I know it’s wrong that I keep seeing her, but this is the only way I keep my mind off of L.
I made a New Year’s resolution; less women drama.
And it failed, massively. I’ve been turned down, blown off. It hurts.
I thought I was done with tinder girl/friends-with-benefits girl. We sometimes talked and that was fine. I still kept checking her online posts and stuff, but it was okay.
Last night she texted me, asking me a couple of questions:
– do you thing about me
– do you still have feelings for me
– do you want to have sex with me
I told her yes, yes and yes and she replied with the same three answers (well the feelings-question… Her answer: you have something that attracts me towards you). I was kinda surprised, but happy.
Today I asked her if it just the sex part or if there is something more between us. She told me it was just sex, but couldn’t deny that she has thought about us together.
Then this happened:
Somehow the conversation turned into me telling her that I like her. That I have feelings for her, but I don’t know what to do with those feelings. If I should act on these feelings or not. She told me that she wasn’t going to answer that question for me. Basically she told me that she does not have the same feelings toward me.
The conversation ended in her saying that she doesn’t know what to say and that I had to decide what to do with these feelings. My answer: that’s fine. Your feelings are different than mine, that says more than enough. Now I have clarity. I’ll just leave you alone for now.
She texted me to say sorry, she’ll be texting when she has more time (she just went to a sportsgame) and ‘xx’. I haven’t responded.
It’s clear that she just wants sex and nothing more. But I can’t. I can’t just have sex with her, when she’s always on my mind. I want her, all of her, not just the sex part. She doesn’t want me and that sucks. It hurts and I don’t know what to do.
It’s almost Christmas. I have to work almost every day, that includes Christmas. In the evening I’m going to my parents. My sister + boyfriend and mabye my grandparents, will come over to have dinner. At night I’m going out with my friends. We’re going to a techno/deep house party, but we’ve decided to have a dress code; black tie. I’m glad I’m going with a large group of friends an people I know, because it kinda feels weird to dress up and be so so overdressed and stuff. I will probably wear a formal jumpsuit.
A lot has changed lately.
– I wasn’t talking to tinder/friends with benefits girl. But lately we’re talking and texting again. Mostly just random stuff, but sometimes it’s really explicit. I don’t know what she wants from me (friendship or more or just nothing at all), but I know I want her in my life. Hope that 2016 is going to be a better year, with less around women.
– I’m on my meds and they are finally working the way they should. It’s working and I like it. Downside: I’m losing weight, because I’m not hungry so I’m not eating enough food that my body needs. My body looks better (I wasn’t overweight according to my measures, but I did look a little chubby). I had to buy an entire new wardrobe, because all my clothes were too big. I like the way I am right now, I’m only missing my ass. I had a great big, round ass and people gave me lots of compliments and I got told I had a J.Lo ass a lot. It has slinked a little, but I think I’m going to work out in 2016, so it will be bigger again.
In case I won’t post anything this year. I wish you all a merry Christmas and a happy new year with lots of love.
Yes, I’m back in my pre-med mode and it sucks. I’m trying to get back up, but it’s difficult.
I’ve just cancelled my birthday plans/party, because I’m not capable to put on a happy face for the entire party.
The tinder girl I liked (aka friends with benefits), she’s still on my mind. I don’t think I’m in love with her but I feel the urge to be with her, talk to her. But she isn’t talking to me at all. I always initiate contact, but for once, I wanted her to contact me. And it’s been almost 2-3 weeks since I heard from her. I did send her a message asking her why she is so quite. ‘I’m sorry, everybody is saying that, but I’m just busy.’ That was her response, other than that, nothing.
It kind hurts.
The songs I listened to last week made me feel happy and satisfied, but now they sound depressing.
What’s up with me. Damn… I need to get out of this annoying vibe!
I don’t know what to do.
Actually, I know exactly what to do, but I can’t seem to do it. Recently I got diagnosed with ADHD. I’m not hyperactive at first side. My brain is hyperactive. I can’t stop thinking, I think about stuff over and over and over again. To the point that I’m exhausted.
There are so many things that I have to do, want to do… But nothing happens. I’m stuck. Literally stuck. I keep sitting on my couch, feeling unhappy, sad, lost, empty. Thoughts are in my brain, but I’m doing nothing with those thoughts. Some days I work 2 days, some weeks I work 6 days. On my days off, I spend the entire time on my couch thinking about all the stuff that needs to happen. But somehow I can’t get myself to actually do it.
I have group therapy and individual therapy, just for talking, learning how to make plans (and stick to them) and medication. I’m not on any meds yet, but I’m in the process of getting them.
It just bothers me that I’m doing absolutely nothing with my life. I have to finish my degree, I have to find another job (I just make enough to pay rent, well most of the time), I have to find a new place to life (can’t afford it anymore), have to make appointments (dentist, fixing kitchen, uni), eat healthy (some days I eat nothing and compensate on the other days) and the list keeps on and on and on. And what do I? NOTHING.
Sorry for bothering you all with this, but I had to write it down. Maybe this helps…
I’m standing outside of my building and some random guy is on his phone. Behind him walks a drunk (homeless?) man. The guy says hi too me and I say hi back. The drunk man doesn’t hear me, so he has to say something about that… ”You’re so rude. You’re a whore. Whore! Whore!” He is screaming.
I didn’t know what to do. The guy and man walked away. I was confused and laughing. It was so stupid.
Apparently it is normal to call me a whore… WTF is wrong with this world.