Head over heals

A lot has happened the last few months. I was into this girl, but she only wanted me for sex (last post).
I ended it with her and I soon met another girl (let’s call her L.). I fell in love with her, head over heals… But I found out she wasn’t over her ex girlfriend. We kept dating, but it didn’t work out. I still have feeling for her. We both know it wasn’t meant to be. Even though we haven’t felt this way about anyone else before, it just did not work out the way we wanted it to be. She’s still in my heart, I cant forget her.
I tried to forget her by dating someone else. I’m dating a new girl now, it’s nice, but I’m definitely not in love with her. And I can’t picture us together. I know it’s wrong that I keep seeing her, but this is the only way I keep my mind off of L.

Heartbroken

I hate this feeling.

I made a New Year’s resolution; less women drama.
And it failed, massively. I’ve been turned down, blown off. It hurts.

I thought I was done with tinder girl/friends-with-benefits girl. We sometimes talked and that was fine. I still kept checking her online posts and stuff, but it was okay.
Last night she texted me, asking me a couple of questions:
– do you thing about me
– do you still have feelings for me
– do you want to have sex with me

I told her yes, yes and yes and she replied with the same three answers (well the feelings-question… Her answer: you have something that attracts me towards you). I was kinda surprised, but happy.

Today I asked her if it just the sex part or if there is something more between us. She told me it was just sex, but couldn’t deny that she has thought about us together.

Then this happened:
Somehow the conversation turned into me telling her that I like her. That I have feelings for her, but I don’t know what to do with those feelings. If I should act on these feelings or not. She told me that she wasn’t going to answer that question for me. Basically she told me that she does not have the same feelings toward me.

The conversation ended in her saying that she doesn’t know what to say and that I had to decide what to do with these feelings. My answer: that’s fine. Your feelings are different than mine, that says more than enough. Now I have clarity. I’ll just leave you alone for now.
She texted me to say sorry, she’ll be texting when she has more time (she just went to a sportsgame) and ‘xx’. I haven’t responded.

It’s clear that she just wants sex and nothing more. But I can’t. I can’t just have sex with her, when she’s always on my mind. I want her, all of her, not just the sex part. She doesn’t want me and that sucks. It hurts and I don’t know what to do.

Depressed mode on

”Depressed mode on”

That’s how it feels right now.

Yes, I’m back in my pre-med mode and it sucks. I’m trying to get back up, but it’s difficult.

I’ve just cancelled my birthday plans/party, because I’m not capable to put on a happy face for the entire party.

The tinder girl I liked (aka friends with benefits), she’s still on my mind. I don’t think I’m in love with her but I feel the urge to be with her, talk to her. But she isn’t talking to me at all. I always initiate contact, but for once, I wanted her to contact me. And it’s been almost 2-3 weeks since I heard from her. I did send her a message asking her why she is so quite. ‘I’m sorry, everybody is saying that, but I’m just busy.’ That was her response, other than that, nothing.
It kind hurts.

The songs I listened to last week made me feel happy and satisfied, but now they sound depressing.

What’s up with me. Damn… I need to get out of this annoying vibe!